Dire News

From ancient Greece, when Hero invented a machine to vend holy water in Egyptian temples, to the first English machines that sold postcards and books, and the first vending machines in the United States that dispensed gum, modern automated vendors sell almost any consumer product.

People embraced the idea of cheap, fast transactions that eliminated the need for clerks, cashiers, and lines. Merchants love them because they can make money 24 hours a day. Sometimes it seems like you can hardly look around in public without seeing one.

You can buy all kinds of food well beyond what the candy, snack, and soft drink vendors have to offer. For a hot meal on the go, there’s made on site, fresh baked pizza.

If you want to cook your own, but just need a few fresh ingredients, you can buy fresh eggs from a nearby farm.

You can even pretend you’ve spent a day on the water, and fish for your dinner.

If it’s not food you’re looking for, maybe its entertainment. You can buy music by the song.

You can buy music in volume.

If you’re underdressed, there are machines that sell shoes, socks, board shorts, and jeans.

There are even vending machines for very specific requirements — like the one that sells used girls’ panties in Japan.

The machines, and what they contain, keep getting bigger and bigger.

But nothing else reaches the scale of this new automated product delivery system.

Located in Wolfsburg, Germany, these 200 foot tall glass towers contain the merchandise. Each one holds up to 400 items. Every slot is big enough for a car.

That’s what Volkswagen stocks them with. Every day, around 600 people come by to pay for their purchase and get a new car.

The cars are built at an adjacent plant, and transported by conveyer belt to the base of a tower, where they are lifted into position at around 6 feet a second by a robotic arm.

After you’ve inserted the proper coins, you can watch your car be picked from its slot, and rolled along a track to the Autostadt Customer Center.

When cigarette and beer vending machines were more popular, it was hard to prevent underage people from taking advantage. Wc wonder how Volkswagen will solve the problem when their car vending machines are more widespread.

And what if you don’t have the right currency?

Remember when you were very young and had a loose tooth? You might mess with it for days, wiggling and twisting it until it came out. Or you might have taken a more direct approach.

You can tie a string to it and attach it to a doorknob. Then when someone opens the door…

You can play hockey.

You can lose it in a sword fight.

But if you’re really badass, you take matters into your own hands.

Like any sport involving weapons, you need to take extra care when shooting a bow and arrow. One common cause of accidents is using an arrow that’s too short, causing the shooter to overdraw.

Overdraw causes the arrow to fall off the rest.

Once off the rest, the arrow could be pointing anywhere.

Most likely it will be pointing towards the hand holding the bow.

If you’re especially good, you might get two for one.

Also be sure to check the shaft. If the shaft breaks while you’re shooting the arrow…

 … it can cause substantial discomfort.

If you use arrows with carbon fiber shafts, they have an added benefit of splintering, so you get extra needles piercing your hand.

To avoid accidents, inspect your equipment regularly. Feel along the shaft, moving your fingers up and down to make sure it’s straight, rigid, and smooth. If it’s not ready to shoot, keep it in the quiver.

You can find some pretty bizarre toys for kids in the U.S., from the Avenging Unicorn

to the “Baby Shower”.

But one of the most interesting toys comes from northern Kazakhstan.

Наши дети играют «выкидышами»! С таким абсурдным заявлением в нашу газету обратилась жительница Уральска Елена Кандрашова. Однако слова оказались абсурдными только на первый взгляд. Когда женщина достала из сумочки небольшую прозрачную баночку, сразу предупредила: у нормального человека от этого зрелища могут волосы зашевелиться. 

From www.coloringbook.com, the folks that help you teach your children through the wonder of a crayon rainbow with titles such as:

Because they have your best interests, and the interests of the United States in mind.

It’s never too early to learn what life is really about.

Because we want our children to know right from wrong.

To know friend from foe at a glance.

To teach them what it means to be free.

To show true leadership.

Color me clueless.

Indie, a two year old Labrador lives with his owner, Belinda Simpkin, and two boys, Ben, eleven, and Alex, eight. Like lots of dogs, he loves to play with his boys and chase things.

But when he took on a Jaguar, he bit off more than he could chew.

Ben had attended a wedding with his mother the day before and received a party bag with a toy car inside. Ms. Simpkin reports, “He was absolutely delighted with it and took it home to play with the next day he was messing around with it at home – I know now he was pushing it along the floor for Indie to chase. Indie would pick it up in his mouth and drop it at Ben’s feet. All of a sudden, Ben came to me and said ‘Mum, I think he’s swallowed the car.’

I had a quick look around for the car but I was in no doubt Indie had swallowed it and Ben was scared. Indie was lying on the ground panting, as if he’d run ten miles. He wasn’t acting his normal self and I knew something was wrong.”

Ms Simpkin said, “The X-rays are unbelievable. You can see the exact outline of the car in amazing detail. Now it’s out, you can even see bubbles in the paint from Indie’s stomach acid.”

The family is keeping the Jaguar as a souvenir.

When it comes to sex toys, it seems like they’re all designed to please women.

The range of toys available covers all of the woman’s erogenous zones.

Like the finger. It’s got your Spiderman fetish covered too.

Serving suggestion

This inequality between the sexes isn’t recent.

It’s gone on for at least 30,000 years.

30,000 year old siltstone phallus / firestarter

But thanks to our clever friends in Japan, here’s an invention for women that men will like too. Finally, some progress for men on the road to sexual equality.

Just slip the Facial Lift At Once into your mouth once a day for three minutes and you will feel the electric buzzing work on your cheeks, chin, lips, mouth and even nose. The pulsing will come in four different levels of strength and in a complete 360-degree spread, pushing and working on your facial muscles little by little every time.

Not only will this give your face a boost “at once”, exercise and training couldn’t be easier than with this gadget. All you do is put on the mouth cover, pop it in your mouth and it does the hard work for you! If only running a marathon could be as easy!